A Stud Golden's Lament

My job is making puppies, and I get two tries at that.
They pat me on the head and say, "Good Boy" and that is that.
It's half my job to give them teeth and toplines, fronts and other.
Remember, it's only half my job....they also have a mother.
It's not my job to carry pups and make'em grow and nurse'em.
And feed and clean & make 'em strong, that's for mother and a person.
It's not my job to wean and feed the calcium and food.
And stack, gait and housebreak and make'em a showing brood.
It's not my job to guarantee champs; the breeder picks the pair.
To mate and whelp and feed and show and hope the champ is there.
It's not my job to be on hand when points are given out,
The Breeder, Owner, Dam and Friends take credit with a shout!
It's not my job to deliver a winner; It's only genes I sell.
But let the puppies turn out bad, and guess who catches hell!
 

A Dog Show Poem

There was a time, there really was, when I was young and tender;
When show dog meant a Disney Star, and BITCH was not a gender,
I went to bed at half past ten; I went to Church on Sunday;
On Saturday I baked the beans, and did the wash on Monday.
But when I got a Certain Pup, and an erstwhile friend said, "SHOW,"
And so I did and so I do, OH! What I didn't know.

I used to dress with flair and style, that was the life, don't knock it.
But now each dress from bed to ball must have a good bait pocket.
I used to have a certain air, I wallowed in perfume,
I used to smell of Nuit D'Amour, now I smell like Mr. Groom.
My furniture was haute d'cour, my pets a tank of guppies.
Now I've furniture that is unstuffed, and well-adjusted puppies.
Once I spoke in pristine prose in dulcet tones and frail,
But now I'm using language that would turn a sailor pale.

I was taught to be well-groomed no matter where I went.
Now all the grooming that I do is in the Handler's tent.
I used to long for furs and jewels and a figure classed as super,
Now the thing I yearn for most is a nice new Pooper-Scooper.
I adored a man who murmured verse through intimate little dinners,
But now the words I thrill to hear are just three, "Best of Winners".

I rise at dawn and pack the van, the road ahead's a long one.
The one I routed on the map's invariably the wrong one.
I really love this doggy life, I wouldn't care to change it.
But when I get that BEST IN SHOW I plan to rearrange it;
And when my time on earth is done I'll go without much nudging
Just give me three weeks closing date and let me know who's judging.

Revised AKC Rules

Political Correctness has gone too far in our sport when:
1) The AKC dispenses with dog and bitch classes for being gender biased. Gender Neutral classes will make up the bulk of competition, which will also no longer include Veteran's Class, Puppy Class or 12-18 month classes as they smack of age discrimination.

2) First through fourth placements will no longer be offered since anything less than a first place may potentially damage self esteem. The judge will, instead, distribute amber colored ribbons to all participants, pat them on the back and tell them they all did a good job.

3) Free baiting will be strongly discouraged as it indicates an unfair economic advantage over dogs from socio-economically disadvantaged backgrounds where extra food may be at a premium.

4) Owners of dogs will no longer be referred to as "owners," since this suggests oppression of one species over another. Henceforth, 'owners' [sic] will come to be known as 'sapien partners.'

5) Professional Handling will be considered bourgeois as society comes to consider the blatant exchange of money for services to be tasteless and un-American. Handlers will offer their abilities gratis for 'the good of the world' and henceforth will be called "pattern facilitators."

6) Cross-breeding between breeds will be encouraged as society comes to value "dog-ness" over breed specificity. After all, who is anyone to determine that a poodle is preferable to a Irish Setter?

7) Since no one person is better than another, the concept of 'trained and/or qualified" judges will be obliterated. Anyone who likes dogs will be qualified to stand in a ring under the auspices of the AKC. The result is that dog shows can be held anytime, anywhere, since virtually anyone can distribute amber colored ribbons.

8) Litter registrations, breeding records, etc. will no longer be monitored or considered public record; after all, what a 'sapien partner' and their dog does with his or her personal life is none of anyone's business as long as s/he continues to do his/her job.

9) Obedience competition will have been overhauled since the idea of one species taking orders from another was deemed abhorrent. Instead, sapien partners and their dogs will enter the ring and their exercise might sound something like this: "Precious, let's sit, shall we? We'll do it together. Precious, how do you feel about that jump? Not today? Ok. Let's both go pick up that dumbbell."

10) Agility courses will be revamped to allow the inclusion of physically challenged dogs. Buggies and dollies will be provided to those participants unable to complete the course on foot.

Heavenly Dog Show

One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the dog kennels watching the dogs laying around. "I am certainly bored," stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed in. Peter stood and watched the dogs. "I know!" Peter began."Why don't we have a dog show?"

Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer: "We will call up Satan and invite him to the dog show. I mean, we have all of the finest dogs here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His kennels are filled with the spoiled, difficult and mean dogs. We are certain to win at the show!"

And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their dog show. Satan laughed and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them. Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of the National and World Champion dogs in our kennels in heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"

Satan paused a moment and then laughed: "Have you forgotten so soon, gentlemen?" "I have all the judges!"